Naked but for the grace of socks
by babygeek310
Summary: Jack runs around naked until the Doctor and Martha come to pick him up! Bit of a crack fic, very silly, little plot. Oneshot.


"I woke up to know that I was all alone, wearing just socks and a phone," – Muse (or Placebo I can't remember)

It wasn't often that Jack thought in rhyme, just when he was especially happy, or perhaps blind drunk – to be honest there wasn't much difference. He looked down at his socks and wondered why he was still wearing them, usually Jack was very good at taking them off. In fact Jack was incredibly good at taking any items of clothes off any person with any given amount of time. Not that he liked to brag.

Jack's train of thought was interrupted by a loud snore down the phone that was resting on the pillow next to his head. He looked down at the caller ID and blinked in shock. TARDIS calling. Wasn't he in the TARDIS? Jack couldn't remember. Since the Doctor was obviously asleep Jack hung up the phone and went out to see where he was. Once he was out in the corridor it became rather obvious that he was rather naked in a hotel that would probably not approve of his nakedness. Deciding that is was probably best to explore while wearing pants, Jack turned around only to find that the door had locked shut behind him.

"Excuse moi, Sir, dis is a no-naked zone!" a horrified French maid in her late forties was glaring at Jack as he started to walk down the corridor to the stairs. Jack gave her a little wave, smiled and slid down the banister.

"ARGGH!!" yelled Jack before limping off down the hallway whilst muttering something about banister burn.

Elsewhere, in the TARDIS, the Doctor rolled over onto his side and slowly opened his eyes to find himself face to face with a small black box, the TARDIS phone. He looked at the screen which read 'Cpt Jack' but the call had already ended on Jack's end of the line, The Doctor hung up and walked groggily into the console room where he was greeted by a disturbed and rather worried looking Martha.

"D…Doctor...you…you're naked," stammered Martha. The Doctor looked down and found that, to his horror, he was wearing nothing but his left sock.

"Yes. Yes I am. Yup, most definitely naked," mumbled the Doctor as he fled the console room leaving behind his grinning companion. Martha took a moment to compose herself before pressing buttons on the TARDIS console, not that she could read the symbols on the screen but it seemed like a good idea anyway.

The Doctor fastened his tie before pulling on his famous coat – although he wasn't really sure who is was famous to since most of the people who had met him in this regeneration were either dead or wouldn't be born for another five million years.

"Doctor?" came Martha's questioning voice as she knocked on the wardrobe room door. "Doctor are you ready?"

'Ready? Ready for what?' thought the Doctor as he let Martha into the room.

"Come on, lets find Jack and be off," the Doctor smiled.

"The sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun," sang Jack at the top of his voice and he prance naked around his jail cell. As he performed to his frightened looking inmates he mulled over the last thirty minutes which had landed him in jail for sexual harassment. The sexual thing Jack could understand, too much sexiness was a health hazard. After all, what if someone flying a car got distracted by Jack in all his glory and crashed their car? It was the harassment thing that Jack couldn't grasp – all he'd done was ask someone if they'd seen a man with a large banana. 'Next time' though Jack 'I'll ask after Martha instead of the Doctor.' In the distance Jack heard the screeching sounds of the TARDIS engines as it started to appear in the court yard of the prison and took it as his cue to start escaping. The only problem being that the cell he was locked in happened to be on the 53rd floor. And he was naked. Still. Not that, that was really a problem as clothes could be very restricting but he didn't want to stick out too much. A guard wearing a classic 2141 uniform came into the room. It was a year that Jack didn't know much about, obviously they weren't too fond of nudity and unintended innuendos but Jack knew nothing.

"Time for your hearing," mumbled the greying guard before throwing Jack a lime green jumpsuit to wear.

"Does it come in any other colour?" the guard glared at Jack whose only response was to grin saucily. Once he had gotten dressed, Jack was handcuffed and led down a dull, murky corridor to a courtroom. As he expected there was nothing in the room but a large silver computer. Human judges had been abolished by 2093 after the amount of judges having affairs with prisoners doubled. 

Rather than watching the details of his crime and punishment go past on the screen he went over to the window to see if he could locate his friends. There in the courtyard was Martha, leaning on the side of the TARDIS. Jack suddenly noticed how cold his feet were, making him rather glad of his socks. After all, they hadn't given him any underwear so he was lucky to have brought his own toasty socks.

"HI JACK!!" bellowed Martha. That girl sure must have one set of lungs to be hear 53 floors up.

"What she said," came a voice from behind Jack, who span around to see who it was. Jack found him face to face with the Doctor.

"Oh!" the pair grinned at each other "How come you're up here and Martha's all the way down there?"

"Because I'm the King of the naked people and what I say goes," the Doctor flashed the psychic paper at Jack with a manic smile "Although your not very naked anymore so we may have to change my title,"

The Doctor left the room but stopped to talk to the guard which gave Jack chance to strip of his jumpsuit.

"The socks are mine, I'm keeping them," announced Jack as he followed the Doctor out of the room. 

A few hours later the travelling trio were back in the TARDIS, one in bed and the other two were chatting in the control room.

"But doesn't it seem weird to you? Me in all my glory and you in all your clothes," said Jack, parking his naked butt on the chair.

"So get dressed then," shrugged the Doctor whirling a level a few times.

"Where's the fun in the? You get undressed!" said Jack suggestively. The Doctor seemed to consider this for a minute before giving Jack a firm "NO!" and sending him off to bed. The Doctor gave the console a good whacking with the hammer before going as well.


End file.
